A couple of weeks ago I had another transformative experience. It started pretty innocently. My friend Star invited me to her home for a “Bad Ass Manifestation” party.
I thought about not going for about 2 minutes. Hang out with hubby at a microbrewery, or manifest my hopes and dreams with some other big-time players. I’m surprised it took me that long to decide. I went, and it started to turn the course of things that I’m watching unfold (and it is pretty fucking amazing!!)
All the other people went first. I wanted to hear what other people wanted to manifest and blocks that come up for them, hoping to learn and process that as I got ready to reveal my deepest desires to this group. As I started to speak about my dream trip to Italy and my large monthly income goals, the tears were rolling. It was no surprise to me. I’m an emotional person. But, what came next was shocking to me. Fear about all kinds of shit just poured profusely from my voice, my entire body! Fear about doing hills on my new bike (I would envision myself failing miserably and feeling like a failure as my husband met me at the top of the hill. I couldn’t bear that feeling, even if it was completely made up in my head). I feared having to get a real job and living within the confines of someone else’s definition of work and success. This would be such a betrayal in my mind of everything I have come to believe this last year, and I feared the bloody fight in the ring that would ensue with my ego.
The leader of our group, Star, suggested that I do one thing to start making my trip to Italy a reality. So, I ordered a catalog from Backroads, a tour company that leads biking and multi sport tours around the world. Someone told me they went to Italy with Backroads and it was amazing, so that’s what I have my sights set on. Just for the record, my full vision is:
- first class flight
- 6 days for the tour of northern Italy and Solvenia
- another week to explore western Italy with my Aunt and Uncle, the Swiss Alps and fly out of Paris.
I like to dream big. This is big for me.
I got my catalog in the mail and gave it a glance as soon as I got it. It is pretty freaking amazing. I want to go on ALL the trips!!!
But today, I had a different reaction to flipping through it. I had just returned from the gym after a pretty intense workout. Maybe that’s why I got so emotional, I don’t know. When I started to look at the pictures more closely, it hit me. I really DO want to go to these places. There are so many places I haven’t been!
I started to cry.
Was it because I didn’t think I would ever get there? Or because the manifestation of this trip would mean so much.
It would mean that a lot of shit came together. It would mean that we had some great extra cash flow.
It would me that I am capable of manifesting a freaking awesome trip!!!!! It would mean that I am more powerful than I ever thought!
And, there it is…the punch line. Why does our own power scare the shit out of us???
THAT is what scares me. That, even though it might be a challenge, I CAN get to the top of the hill. And, that I can manifest everything in my life. The good stuff, and the bad stuff. I am powerful. Just thinking about stepping into that power is still daunting to me, even as I am writing this!
What is even more scary though, is NOT doing it. It’s letting myself down, by NOT going for it; by continuing to play victim; by curling up and staying safe; by trying and failing and trying again until I get it.
I will let you know when my Italy trip gets on the schedule. I know it will happen. I am a powerful force and all I have to do is give into that.
What big vision do you have that scares the shit out of you?? Please, please share it below and how you overcame your fear to accomplish it.