In my last couple of blogs I shared some songs that help me stay motivated each day. Ironically, sometimes when I am silently belting out the words, mouthing them in the gym during a workout or on a walk, or literally belting them out in the car, I totally choke up, feeling so deeply penetrated by the words. The part that gets me the most is a pervading theme of “there are no mistakes, no accidents”. This is the part of the song that I just lose it. Why??? That is what this is about today.
Why do I always fall on the verge of bawling my head off while listening to these songs?? This is my HAPPY playlist? Are they doing the opposite and making me sad? I really thought about this. Maybe I’ve been shooting myself in the foot, but I don’t think so.
Upon closer evaluation, I realize that especially this part of these songs touches my soul so deeply because, well, I think I’ve always felt like I’m screwing up. Now, let me please clarify something. I live an amazing life–I have a wonderful husband who loves me deeply, and beautiful, talented children. We all have amazing health and live inspired lives in our own ways. I realize this NOW, but for a long time I felt like, what the fuck am I doing wrong?! I felt like my husband and I were never on the same page, and that he was just manipulating me. I looked at my personal training business and saw all the things it was lacking (more clients, more “success”, more engagement, ambitious employees) and felt burned out. All I saw was a shit storm of debt and struggle, wondering constantly if I am really living MY life, or if I’m just constantly going through the motions.
I’m not sure exactly what it was. I started doing some serious soul searching, cutting back on things I didn’t like to do, or that drained me. I spent money I really didn’t have on a personal development program, hoping it would shed some light, and help me out of this funk. By reading some really deep stuff and digging deep in front of a few people I barely knew, I had a revelation. I’ve been playing the victim card, and I was REALLY good at it. All of a sudden my eyes saw my relationships in a new way. It’s true that your mood (and vibration) really affects your perspective of life (of course I knew this, but I didn’t really KNOW it until I experienced this shift).
Some of the stuff I was learning saw “mistakes” in a different way, and even though it is difficult to remember everyday (because i’m still so brainwashed), I too, could see how mistakes are not what we have been taught. Cheryl Strayed said, “What if what made me do all those things everyone thought I shouldn’t have done was what also had got me here?”
In other words, we see things we did in our past that other people didn’t approve of, or got us in trouble, or we got yelled at about and feel regret, or feel like, to put it bluntly, royal a fuck up. But, those things happened, made you who you are, and brought you to this present place. So, I started thinking about my “mistakes” as mis-takes. Like when Thomas Edison was inventing the light bulb, historians say he made 1000 “mistakes” before he got to the one that worked. But every time he made one that didn’t work, he was a tiny bit closer to what would work. To do something great it’s going to take trying and trying again, which is what life is about!! Each day is totally fresh and new. It has never happened before so how can we possibly know how to make it exactly “right”?
Mis-takes are part of the process of moving forward. They are our evolutionary process. Katy Perry and Natasha Bettingfield, as I’m sure many other artists (if I listen to enough music) say, “There are no mistakes, no accidents.” “We are conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can’t live that way.” NO ONE CAN! These events we call mistakes are literally part of life! So, why do I feel so bad? This is something I’m constantly working on–to see life as a continuum and to remind myself that to live is to LIVE all out, no matter what. Actually, that sentiment is what got me started writing this blog and putting my shit out here on the world wide web.
So, it’s time to stop the bullshit and celebrate each movement forward! I see life so differently now than I did just 9 months ago and I will probably see it completely different 9 months from this moment (I hope so). Even though I still struggle with the idea of making mistakes and I still get choked up when I hear that part of my songs, I know that everything I do is part of my constant evolution of my best life. Someday I hope you will find me walking down my street, jamming to my Happy Playlist, totally okay with that part of the songs, because it is my indicator that I’m finally okay with being fallible.
Have a blessed day full of firsts and probably mis-takes!
P.S. This is dedicated to my friend Rebecca who was so kind last night to remind me that people actually read this and are inspired. Thank you so much!!!! I am inspired!